HOW TO GET IN SHAPE FOR SLEDDING
1. Go to your local snowmobile repair shop. Smile and give the first guy you see $200. This will get you used to spending money there on a regular basis. 2. Fill a 50-gallon barrel with sand. Lower it into a hole. Now lift it out. If you can, add water to the sand and try it again. Do this 5 times per day. This will get your back in shape for those deep snow stucks. 3. Tie a rope to a heavy-duty spring. Pull the rope repeatedly with each arm until the pain in your shoulders meets somewhere in the middle of your back. This will get you in shape for starting your bud’s sled that he conveniently forgot was out of gas and didn’t tell you. It’s best to do this exercise while someone is spraying starting fluid into your nose and eyes also. 4. Drink four ounces of cod liver oil mixed with a strong laxative. Dress with long underwear, wool pants, snowmobile bibs, insulated boots and heavy coat. Walk far into the woods without any paper products and wait for a personal emergency. This gets you prepared for the Beer Sh*@s that come out of nowhere and at the wrong time. 5. Place your hands in a bucket of ice water for 20 minutes. Put the carburetor from your lawn mower in the bottom of your deep freeze. Now climb in the deep freeze, shut the lid and overhaul it while holding a pen light in your mouth. This gets you prepared to work on your sled in the freezing cold and black of night. Advanced riders do this with a Leatherman tool. 6. Dress up in your new $350 snowmobile bibs. Pour 2-stroke oil down the right leg, gasoline down the other and Schnapps and Beer all over the front. Fill your boots with ice cubes and ask your wife or girlfriend to dance. This will prepare her for the stops at the local bar after a ride. 7. Put on a balaclava and a full-face helmet. Attempt to drink hot chocolate through the opening. Advanced riders attempt this while riding a lawn tractor over in the nearest farmer’s field. 8. Find a place where you can pay $3.50 a gallon for regular gas, $19.99 per quart of oil, $16.00 for a hamburger and frozen French fries, $3.00 for a coke and $100.00 to sleep in a cold cabin on a bed with springs sticking through the mattress. Stay for two nights minimum. This will prepare you for the high cost of your future winter trips. 9. Practice explaining to your banker why you need another loan for a $40,000 truck to pull the four $10,000 toys in your $9,000 trailer that you still owe $40,000 for. Now you are 50% ready and somewhat conditioned to head for the deep snow and ride your sled.